what kind of friend am i?

I once read this article about friendship where the author quoted Queen Victoria as she talks about two of her friends. I cannot find the exact quote or the names of the queens’ two friends. All I know is that they’re both statesmen. Anyway, she said when asked about Friend No. 1 she said “when I am with him he makes me feel like I am with one of the greatest leaders in the world” while on Friend No. 2 she has this to say: “when I am with this friend, he makes me feel like I am one of the greatest leaders in the world.” 

That stuck to me like superglue. For days now I would ask friends how I make them feel. I would implore for them to be brutally honest and just tell me. Because I am aware that at times I can be one egotistical bitch, or at least I come across as one. I know I am not exactly one who uses friends to fan my ego,  but I guess to sort of protect myself I do unconsciously make people feel somewhat inferior. Like, hey lucky you I’m your friend or something like that. 

I think. 

I did ask people that. Most gave me this certain look that seems to tell me “are you in trouble with the law, biatch?” Tee hee. Seriously, I needed to know. The last thing I want realize is that I hurt anybody just because I wasn’t the kind of friend he/she needed me to be. Not that I would change for anyone. But I want to make sure I treat them right. Most were honest enough to tell me things… most were kind of surprising. Yet true. It was unbelievable though that there isn’t anybody who told me I made them feel like Queen Victoria’s Friend No. 1 made her feel. I really thought my ego was bigger than Kris Aquino’s.  

What most pointed out though is that sometimes I seem to hold back. That there were things they know I wanted to say, things I wanted to do, for them, which I didn’t simply because I feel so conscious of what they will think. This makes them feel like I don’t trust them.  So I had to explain that I simply don’t want to make any friend feel that I depend too much on them, that I’m too clingy or something. I myself am scared of having anyone rely too much on me. Because that means a lot of expectations which I have to live up to. 

It’s also partly because I have been somewhat traumatized by supposed friends who misinterpreted my actions. I was used to being that kind of friend who would be all sweet and nice, who would give letters and stuff, who would give and receive good luck or thank you gifts. I think this began in college, where my friends and I would give each other letters or chocolates and trinkets just to cheer each other up. We’d treat each other and buy each other stuff with notes that says “I saw this and I thought you’d like it” “I think this will look good on you” or “this simply reminds me of you”. It’s like a compulsion. Or maybe we just simply love and trust and adore each other too much we’re not ashamed to show it. But I guess not everyone is comfortable with that. I have given people flowers, chocolates, letters and what I got was this weird look and rumors spreading around questioning my motives. Followed by eventually losing that supposed friend. It was just horrible.  

I am being careful now. It’s crazy sometimes. How I hold back, strange because I used to be this girl who goes all out when it comes to her friends. It was never a struggle for me to say “I love you”. Now I just can’t bring myself to tell a friend that. Somehow I feel like saying those would drive them away. Geez, I can’t believe I just let myself type out these thoughts. Now I feel too darn vulnerable. Haha. But in a way it’s an open letter, maybe even some sort of an apology for anyone who’s been in my life for the past years now.

Girls, dudes, badings – I haven’t been the kind of freidn you guys deserve. So I was there with you on lunch, coffee or dinner talking about your “latest”, so I stayed with you till the wee hours of the morning while we discussed how we’ll save the cheerleader and the world, so we battled our insomnia by texting each other and discussing our grand plans in reforming the nation, so I wrote you long letters or sent you long SMS’s telling you how great you are and you shouldn’t give up on anything no matter what, so I sat on the kitchen counter while you whipped up this new recipe you learned from Chef Rob – maybe actions speak louder than words. But I still need to get this out: 

I made sure I was there, because you’re my friend and I think you’re worth it and, I love you  

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
 - C. S. Lewis