Becoming a Certified Conyo Kid: a 10 Step Guide

it is common knowledge that i really hate it when people speak in taglish. i hate it even more when peopel speak in a really annoying accent like they’re either trying hard to sound like valley girls or ghetto peeps.

this is omething i got from an email and i couldn’t stop laughing my head off when i read this. here, for all you grammar whores and anal retentive beings…maybe “conyo” wannabes too. haha!

10 Conyo-mandments

by Gerry Avelino and Arik Abu

`

1. Thou shall make gamit “make + pandiwa”.

ex.

“Let’s make pasok na to our class!”

“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”

“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore! It’s in Andrew pa, you know?”

 

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “diba” and “eh” in your pangungusap.

Ex.

“I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it’s like, so eew, diba?”

“What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?”

“Eh as if you want naman also, diba?”

`

3. When making describe a whatever, always say “It’s SO   + pang-uri!”

ex.

“It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”

“I know right? So sarap nga, eh!”

“You’re making me inggit naman.. I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

`

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, ‘tsong” or “pare”

ex.

“Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.”

“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh”

`

5. Thou shall know “you know? “ “I know right!”

ex:

“My bag is so bigat today, you know”

“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book eh!”

`

6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish.

ex.

“I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

`

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?

ex.

“Like, it’s so init naman!”

“Yah! The aircon, it’s, like sira!”

`

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?

ex.

“Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”

“It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

`

9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know,  daglat?”

ex.

“Like, OMG! It’s like traffic sa LRT”

“I know right? It’s so kaka!”

“Kaka?”

“Kakaasar!”

`

10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect!

ex.

“I’m, like, making aral at the Arrhineo!”

“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

 

—>> how come, like, my friends from The Ahrrneo don’t make salita like this? i know, right? it’s like, so weird, di ba?

sapakin ako ng nanay ko pag ganito ako magsalita. haha!

Unbelievable

JK Rowling is worth ₤1 BILLION!

http://www.forbes.com/lists/2007/10/07billionaires_Joanne-(JK)-Rowling_CRTT.html

My gulay golly gaw-gaw! One billion times the “insert present british pound exchange rate here” equals, more or less 89 billion pesosesoses! Woot! “whistles! (Yes, this suddenly made me whistle and i so cannot whistle!)” This makes me want to really haul my butt off my (toxic) work chair and board the LRT 2 at 5:30 in the morning, laptop, two extra batteries, one pad of yellow paper and 20 ball pens in tow and squeeze out every story idea storied in my creative vault and just write/type away a seven part series that will make me possibly 89 billion pesosesoses richer.

Holy macaroni, i cannot begin to even imagine what i will do with all that moolah!

1.i will help pay national debt.
2.I will buy a subway system for the Philippines.
3.I will put up shelters and livelihood skills training center for beggars, street kids and just about any person whose average annual income is below 5,000.
4.i will clean up Metro Manila’s garbage.
5.I will bribe our stupid, fugly, incompetent governor to step down so that my beloved province can regain its glorious rep.
6.I will help Wish Ko Lang and grant ten more wishes each week.
7.I will buy shares from San Miguel, PLDT, GMA-7, Jollibee and Petron.
8.I will pit up my own production outfit that will make good quality music videos and films.
9.I will open a bank account in Switzerland and Cayman Islands.
10.I will build a modest (big enough to accommodate me and my family, some guests. Nothing too ostentatious) house each in my home province and some exclusive village in QC; a log cabin in Baguio, a rest house in Subic or Bolinao, Pangasinan and Dumaguete..
11.I will build an aprtment building for peoepl who live under the bridge, or in carts. And train them and give them jobs.
12.I will buy myself the latest Audi, a Harley motorbike and a jet ski.
13. I will never fly economy again! Woo hoo! Travel, travel, travel!
14. I will help send a thousand kids to school.
15. I will buy an extension shelter for the Philippine Animal Welfare Society.
16.I will get myself a personal masseuse.
17.I will give my mom and dad a really nice, state of the art kitchen because they love to cook.
18. I will buy all the gadgets i want!
19. I will sponsor someone really really good and deserving who wants to run for President, and make sure he/she wins. Hehehe
20. I will bribe the President to declare Martial Law and punish any public official who is not doing his/her job, sponsors rallies/protests, has way too much media exposure, maltreats his/her staff, and is frequently late or absent from work.
21.I will make sure that the President’s loyalty and trust is with me 1000 percent.
22. I will buy…uh, world peace?
23. “So help me God.”

whatever-ish…really random.

Some crazy concert gimmicks my bro and I came up with: 

1. bring him to life. there’s this group of men, clad in black cloaks, carriyng a Victorian era casket (read: kabaong, pare). Smoke fills the air, while some eerie keyboard programming accompanies the whoel thing. These men will put down the casket tapos, aalis sila at pag-alis nila, mawawala yung smoke. Lights will be turned off, save for a sole spotlight focused on the casket, at doon lalabas ang singer. For example, Christian Baitista singing “there are nights when the wind is sooo cowlddd….”
2. halimaw sa banga. Self explanatory. A huge clay jar is carried by dudes in an Igorot costume. Singer coming out from inside this huge clay jar. As in Regine Velasquez singing “annie are you okay, are you okay annie?”
3. sadako. There would be this huge old tv and that’s where the singer will emerge from, dahan-dahan. May kulog-kidlat effects pa para masaya. Tapos biglang kunwari tatamaan ng kidlat yung tv at noon pa lang lalabas yung singer. Like, Sarah Geronimo singing “nobody wants to see su together but it doenst matter now, coz I got you…”

hehehe

______________

I initially wanted to post that funny photo of piolo pascual and sam milby with their lawyer, holding up the document which contaisn the libel suit they filed against lolit solis. All three looked sos eriosu one cant help wondering what’s going on sindioe their heads. But I couldn’t get the photo from PEP. Sayang. I wanted to post captions sana. Here is the article with the photo: 

http://www.pep.ph/articles/14450/FIRST-READ-ON-PEP:-Piolo-Pascual-and-Sam-Milby-file-libel-case-against-Lolit-Solis 

Piolo: Aaah, vaklush ka! Sinong kumuha ng fotonez ko? Hindi pa aketch handa! Hindi pa aketch pretty, hindi kita ang gliterry lavender shu uemura eyeshadow ko!

Sam: Inhale, exhale, and emote ang fez, kafatid. Kailangan kong magmukhang tunay na biktimang nilapastangan ang pagkatao ditech para kaawaan me. Malditang Lolita yan!

Attorney: Umayos kayo mga bakla! Ayan kasi, simnabi nanag coffee is bad for the skin. Bakit ba akyo ang-coffee sa Sofitel?? 

I wonder if that will get me in trouble as well? 

________________

Finally, speaking of kabadingan, here is a really gay video from the Sexballs – bubble gang’s bouncing balls. Hahaha!

    whats ap por yu?

a political disenchantment

I voted for Trillanes with this hope that he will be among those new breed of public servants who will really bring about change, sans the pa-pogi, sans the rhetoric in the vernacular which doesn’t make sense anyway, sans the press release, but just pure work. Action that could rival that of whatever he had as a soldier, all it takes to rebuild and reform this nation. 

But months after he was sworn into office I am already regretting my decision. I have come to finally realize, and accept, with much deliberation on my part, that I have wasted my precious vote. I think I have elected not just a convicted mutineer, but a mental institution fugitive, as a senator. Holy macaroni! 

At first I ignored it. It could have been the lack of sleep, the exhaustion and stress of being a jailed senator that causes him to look haggard and worn out each time he faces the camera. Not that I expect public officials to look like they just stepped out of the spa each time, but to look like a coke (and I’m not talking about the soda) addict every freaking time? Come on. It might not have to come first but as someone entrusted by the public to look after their welfare, public officials should at least embody strength and that aura of being in control. That proverbial grace under pressure.  

It is frightening to realize that somebody you entrusted the nations’ future to, might be a crazed lunatic.  

It could just be me; I might be the one’s who’s crazy. But I have asked around – experts in the field of psychology and psychiatry, and being a psych major myself, that he does look disturbed. His words even manifest restlessness. Friends who work in the senate have told me how he’s slowly catching the ire of most senators because of his declarations. Apparently, he wanted to be in the Senate not to be of service to the nation, but to impeach the president. Sure, getting GMA out of office can do us a great favor, but that as your sole motivation? Fuck. 

It’s just absurd. And seeing him, his eyes that can’t seem to be still, frighteningly piercing, can send kids to huge therapy bills. If I was 5 and I see those eyes of his on TV, I’d most likely have nightmares for a week.  

And his words, they’re not born out of the passion to save us from further Gloria hell, but from intense anger, which isn’t just right. Because it is already controlling him, and making him look crazier than he already is, maybe even before Oakwood. Anyway, endangering the lives of people to make a statement isn’t exactly am infestation of sane normality. Ah, I shall never see the idealism in anyone who becomes too desperate to get a message across by threatening to kill or destroy. 

Too bad I was blinded by that one Oakwood instance, that it even prompted me to help one of them get to the Senate. How I regret it now, and wish I could appeal to any court of law that I would like to take back my vote, please.  

This is not to malign his reputation, but maybe to express my deep condolences, addressed to myself, for the sudden, senseless death of trust and confidence, on someone who is simply not worthy. 

I know for a fact that psychosis can be cured though. Please somebody tell him to seek psychiatric help. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

On a lighter note, god, what have become of our supposed discernment and wisdom> why do we still have these clowns occupying public offices? Some are too hungry for publicity they’d react violently to Desperate Housewives fiasco. One made an ass of himself by stupidly (and definitely so not eloquently, as in far from being remotely smart even) by making this statement regarding his mom being the subject of a satire. A satire! Geez, can’t he look that up in the dictionary? 

So, these publicity hungry public officers and having themselves interviewed left and right to say their peace, it doesn’t matter if they make sense (which they rarely does) or not – they’d spew all these irrelevant statements, over the top bordering on OA declarations, supposedly mild mannered speeches in the vernacular which are just pure rhetoric and no substance, just to see their faces on TV. For exposure, just that. Because guess what, they’re not doing anything but waiting all day to be presented with an opportunity to ham it up for the cameras. 

Whoever said that we have a 24-hour comedy show for a government is definitely on the right track. And you say politics is not for showbiz people? Rooiigggghttt.  

Be Safe, PacSafe

I recently saw this TV feature on anti-theft bags, made with Pacsafe technology or something. These bags are made with wires embedded on the sides which make it hard for anyone to slash it and have access to anything that is inside. It also has locks on its zippers which will make it even harder for anyone to steal your goods. As the owner you are the one who gets to set the unique combination for the locks. Really ingenious. A great invention especially for dwellers of cities notorious for thugs, snatchers, thieves.  

 

I watched in amazement as the bag’s anti-theft features are being demonstrated. I thought, I got to have one of those! See, I have had over ten bags slashed. And most of them are signature ones given to me as gifts. It’s just frustrating to see your favorite Esprit, UCB, Coach or NW with its side ruined with an ugly uneven slash. And your wallet, cosmetic pouch or cell phone missing too! It often takes a week for me to recover. Yes, I am that dumb. Or maybe I just underestimated these thugs. They’re in even the supposedly safe places, like an upscale café in an upscale mall. They even wear barong, or look like our pastor. They wear makeup and are well-coifed. They speak English fluently. They look safe enough that the take advantage of this impression and steal your stuff. And slash your precious bags. 

But, will getting any of these Pacsafe bags guarantee that I will be safe from these pathetic lowlifes? So wires are embedded into these bags, but still if someone attempts to slash it will still leave an ugly cut. What if the moron points a gun at you, will your bag morph into some ass-kicking thug killer faster than you can say “time space warp now na!”? Those bags sure look sturdy. But as that TV feature said, if these supposedly anti-theft features fails and the moron still tries to have his way, with a sharp knife or gun, just give up and let him have your stuff. Oh, dear. 

Pacsafe sounds way cool but until they make something that can double as a self-defense weapon, I think I’ll just save up for a sturdy metallic briefcase for now. At least you can heat someone in the head with that one.

mushy post about those creatures called “friends”

I got a call from a dear friend last night. I haven’t heard from her in quite awhile and the last time we talked, she is facing a legal crisis and wanted nothing but to have her peace of mind back. The case is ongoing, and at the moment, just when she has resolved to really put her messed up life back in order, something might be up which she really isn’t ready for.  I am really hoping and praying that whatever should come her way, would be for the best. 

I am planning to see her soon, just let me extricate myself from all these cases and projects which I just have to finish, and then I should be able to really breathe. I miss seeing my friends. Even if all they do is whine about their lives. Hehehe and this friend I talked to last night, I actually wondered how she’s been doing for the past weeks. Last night I got the answers. And yes, even if she does annoys me sometimes with her gazillion questions and how even if we both know she can do it she just needs for me to give her “the” pep talk, it still warms my heart when ever I realize how much trust is there. And to think I don’t even trust myself sometimes. 

It’s great to have friends. And to know, that you’re being a real friend to someone

Some Things Are Worth Going back To

It is the decade where I began to really develop my musical tastes, aside from what was already my definition of good music influenced by my parents’ collection of records and tapes. So I grew up listening to The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Sting and The Police, Blondie, Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Led Zep and am already into U2, The Cure, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper and was getting to know this cool thing called grunge rock. Locally, I love The Dawn and couldn’t stop listening to 70s disco courtesy of VST and Co. I am obviously not much of a pop kid… well, I did like some songs from Smokey Mountain. And does Lea Salonga’s Miss Saigon songs count?  This was the time when began to be so into music videos. There wasn’t much in the local scene…in fact there wasn’t any. If anything close to it came out, it was very bland and didn’t complement the songs. Then came this young woman named Viktoria who redefined what was considered pop and introduced what was then so inappropriately called MTV’s. It’s music video people!  

I was never into pop. And at 12, I really didn’t care much about love songs. But “Dahan-dahan” which I first heard from a childhood friend Ate Belle, became an instant favorite. Must be the sentiments of the song (as explained to me by that friend) and the sound that impressed discriminating 12 year old me. And then I saw the music video that accompanied it. And it really was something I have never seen before. It was almost like a short film, and everything about it was classy and polished. The music video was something evidently well thought of.

   After that came the start of the local rock band fever. But Viktoria’s brand of alternative pop was undeterred. So did her music videos that accompanied each single which just got better each time. I like that her songs were mostly about love and the scenes in the videos were sweet, but never cloying.  

Recently, after what felt like ages of waiting, one of her brothers who directed those videos posted them on YouTube. I haven’t seen those in a long time and now, seeing them brought back lots of wonderful memories. I suddenly miss my friends, our after school soccer or baseball matches, climbing aratiles trees, blowing bubbles… those were the good old days, when life wasn’t so complicated.

And the local music scene was still full of real talents who knows what real, good music is all about. Seeing her first videos again, and even though they’re more than a decade old, makes one realize how a lot of the stuff we have now… sucks. They were from the 90s, and yet placed alongside most of the carbon copy pa-cute crap we have now, they all still pale in comparison.  The 90s, and these kinds of good quality music videos, are indeed some of the stuff worth going back to.