what kind of friend am i?

I once read this article about friendship where the author quoted Queen Victoria as she talks about two of her friends. I cannot find the exact quote or the names of the queens’ two friends. All I know is that they’re both statesmen. Anyway, she said when asked about Friend No. 1 she said “when I am with him he makes me feel like I am with one of the greatest leaders in the world” while on Friend No. 2 she has this to say: “when I am with this friend, he makes me feel like I am one of the greatest leaders in the world.” 

That stuck to me like superglue. For days now I would ask friends how I make them feel. I would implore for them to be brutally honest and just tell me. Because I am aware that at times I can be one egotistical bitch, or at least I come across as one. I know I am not exactly one who uses friends to fan my ego,  but I guess to sort of protect myself I do unconsciously make people feel somewhat inferior. Like, hey lucky you I’m your friend or something like that. 

I think. 

I did ask people that. Most gave me this certain look that seems to tell me “are you in trouble with the law, biatch?” Tee hee. Seriously, I needed to know. The last thing I want realize is that I hurt anybody just because I wasn’t the kind of friend he/she needed me to be. Not that I would change for anyone. But I want to make sure I treat them right. Most were honest enough to tell me things… most were kind of surprising. Yet true. It was unbelievable though that there isn’t anybody who told me I made them feel like Queen Victoria’s Friend No. 1 made her feel. I really thought my ego was bigger than Kris Aquino’s.  

What most pointed out though is that sometimes I seem to hold back. That there were things they know I wanted to say, things I wanted to do, for them, which I didn’t simply because I feel so conscious of what they will think. This makes them feel like I don’t trust them.  So I had to explain that I simply don’t want to make any friend feel that I depend too much on them, that I’m too clingy or something. I myself am scared of having anyone rely too much on me. Because that means a lot of expectations which I have to live up to. 

It’s also partly because I have been somewhat traumatized by supposed friends who misinterpreted my actions. I was used to being that kind of friend who would be all sweet and nice, who would give letters and stuff, who would give and receive good luck or thank you gifts. I think this began in college, where my friends and I would give each other letters or chocolates and trinkets just to cheer each other up. We’d treat each other and buy each other stuff with notes that says “I saw this and I thought you’d like it” “I think this will look good on you” or “this simply reminds me of you”. It’s like a compulsion. Or maybe we just simply love and trust and adore each other too much we’re not ashamed to show it. But I guess not everyone is comfortable with that. I have given people flowers, chocolates, letters and what I got was this weird look and rumors spreading around questioning my motives. Followed by eventually losing that supposed friend. It was just horrible.  

I am being careful now. It’s crazy sometimes. How I hold back, strange because I used to be this girl who goes all out when it comes to her friends. It was never a struggle for me to say “I love you”. Now I just can’t bring myself to tell a friend that. Somehow I feel like saying those would drive them away. Geez, I can’t believe I just let myself type out these thoughts. Now I feel too darn vulnerable. Haha. But in a way it’s an open letter, maybe even some sort of an apology for anyone who’s been in my life for the past years now.

Girls, dudes, badings – I haven’t been the kind of freidn you guys deserve. So I was there with you on lunch, coffee or dinner talking about your “latest”, so I stayed with you till the wee hours of the morning while we discussed how we’ll save the cheerleader and the world, so we battled our insomnia by texting each other and discussing our grand plans in reforming the nation, so I wrote you long letters or sent you long SMS’s telling you how great you are and you shouldn’t give up on anything no matter what, so I sat on the kitchen counter while you whipped up this new recipe you learned from Chef Rob – maybe actions speak louder than words. But I still need to get this out: 

I made sure I was there, because you’re my friend and I think you’re worth it and, I love you  

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
 - C. S. Lewis

SN’s Heartbreak Therapy 101

I never consider myself to be any good at giving advice, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Especially to the heartbroken. Or to someone who is about to get him or her lelf into something that’s sure to give them head ache and a broken heart eventually. I am an optimist-realist. I am all about what looks and feels right. And playing safe. In some ways I am not such an advocate of selfless love. I have always believed that only God can love, and whom we can love unselfishly. Maybe parental love comes close. But romantic love? Naaah, I’ve seen a witness too way too many supposed love stories that end in misery, or tragedy. Not to say that getting oneself involved in such isn’t worth it though. But I guess, having those beliefs, and being a constant witness to the realities of love, is enough to make me one love advice dispenser from hell. (at least in the point of view of hopeless romantics) 

Recently friends would send me SMS that makes the most out of their character limit (i.e. novels!) giving me detailed accounts of how miserable they feel because someone just broke their poor heart into pieces. I am always at a loss for words… I sure want to say things that will make them feel better. But I learned my lesson before, that the first step to helping someone whose nursing a broken heart is to let them know that you empathize, and you understand what they’re going through, at the same time giving them even just a little hint that hey, life goes on.  

I sent this one to a friend who’s greatly disappointed by someone she thought was the one. 

Grey area – the state of uncertainty, of unrest because of being caught between choices you’re not even sure you want to see your self get into. 

Silver lining – what should give you the assurance and hope that it’s okay to jump into either of these choices; what’s supposed to drive you into even making the decision. It’s “the” bright side. 

Black hole – is where you’ll find yourself after realizing that none of your choices are worthy. And whichever side you turn you’ll just find endless darkness staring at you, mocking you, as you roll around trying to rid yourself of the pain.  

It’s just another fucking heartbreak. 

And for the classic unrequited love: 

Without us knowing or even admitting it, we are held captive by memories that in ways shopwed us hope and possibilities that “something” is there. So when reality hits us straight in the gut, it’s a fierce struggle to get out of the trap. It’s unnerving, it’s exhausting.  

You wonder if it’s all worth it. 

Majorly cheesy right? Truly cringe-worthy. But for some weird reasons they actually help. Sometimes a bruised heart just needs to know that in some ways one is at fault why one is going through all these pain. And at the same time, they have to be bandaged with this huge assurance that it doesn’t matter how painful everything is now, because eventually, everything will be okay. 

And I can’t believe I just wrote that. All 533 words of it. Yikes.

Itsie-BITSie teeny weenie thing called…

I am not as cold, cruel, heartless and bitchy as I seem to project myself to be. Really, I do have a side of me that knows the words, longing, yearning and tenderness; I can be giddy, mushy, sappy if there is a reason for me to; I am a sucker for kilig love stories and even consider myself to be a matchmaker of sorts. Yes, this is me outing myself from being a closet romantic. I do believe in that crazy giddy little thing called love (and yes I do love that Queen song)… you wonder so what? What the hell am I driving at, talking about this side of me somehow really does exist? It’s to let you all know, those who enjoys a dose of romance every now and then, that BITS (Butterflies In The Stomach) the awww-ey-est (yes I just made up a word) blogging group in cyberspace, is back with old and new faces, changed lives, and more kilig stories to shamelessly share with you all. This is us talking amongst ourselves about our respective BITS moments (or lack of it, but continuously hoping) and yes, you are free to “eavesdrop” and drop a comment, even join the fun, if you want to. Check check check it out: 

http://bits.fragiled.net

Is It Just Me? Or What…

I could cite the following reasons:

- clash of principles (they play safe, I choose to fight; they settle for what’s given them, while I won’t stop till I am truly fullfilled)

- differences in opinions (let’s just say that they’re republicans and I am a democrat, sort of. They’re either admin or opposition while I am the third force)

- new priorities (they are all thinking of settling down, while I continue to reach for bigger dreams and aim for bigger pursuits)- ch-ch-changes (which they somehow resent, while I welcome them with open arms)

When you find yourself becoming an individual and striving for what you believe in or try to attain your goals in life, sometimes the people who seem close to you drift away.As one matures, one finds that those around them sometimes are standing still and they have outgrown them.Drifting apart from your friends happens its a way of life.

But when its slowly happening and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, it slowly starts to rip away at you. Sorta like walking to your own death. You see it coming yet you continue to walk. I don’t know anymore. As I continue to drift I wonder is it me or everybody else? Will I drift beyond reach? Or will the promise of sweet drizzles and cold rainshowers bring hope again? Real independence, indeed, has a price.

Jeopardy is jejune now…

Ennui [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; Fr. ahn-nwee] as defined in the dictionary is a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.

So i am pretty much content with how my career is going – i am not earning millions of bucks to afford grand vacations or shopping sprees, but my days are filled with enough challenges to keep me going and a good mix of interesting people to keep me sane, in a relatively flexible, balanced environment – so how come i still find myself feeling bored? I used to just listen to music and let myself relax, allow my thoughts to wander somewhere, or read to get that feeling of being into faraway places without leaving my room, or talk to friends and either gab or bitch about stuff, or just work out, or walk… but sometimes even those, uh,m bores me. Or i am just not in the mood to do those. Excuses, excuses… but really, i know i am content, and fulfilled, and generally happy, but how come i am bored?

There are several things to look forward to, but while i wait, i wait with an inexplicable feeling of weariness. I remember something texted by a friend weeks ago about losing focus, how she knows she should just write but she’s at a loss for words, despite being emotional lately. I told her emotions alone can’t make her write. She then said maybe she needs a new challenge, to which i sort of agreed and suggested a few things. Do something you haven’t done before, and alone. It doesn’t matter how strange that thing is. Maybe something will come out of it.

And then she will regain focus.

I guess it is the same with boredom. I just do what i have to do each day, and pretty much do the same things to deal with the occasional ennui. I want to do something new, be somewhere i haven’t been to before – well, being somewhere different from what i usually frequent or see an old face, or a new face. Whatever, just, a change. I started by getting a new haircut. I have had long hair for the past five years and now it’s just barely touching my neck. A messy fringe-y, jap-punk sort. Very wash and wear. I also bought new flipflops, and i forgot about minding the price, it is slightly expensive. I have tons of ideas in my head that i am dying to write down, concepts that I’m excited to see materialize. I am meeting faces i haven’t seen in awhile starting next week. Just to get me off this hole. Ennui is bad for the soul.

Ennui

Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.

The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.

- Sylvia Plath

Just a Rant

I don’t know but I have higher expectations from anyone older than me. I always assume that since they have walked the earth for a longer time than I have already, they’re more matured, their EQ is higher. Not that being young is an excuse for being irrational, but really I just think older ones should know, and act, and think better. 

Case in point – a friend who expects me to be there each time she needs someone to rant and rave about her day on just because she thinks I have a lot of free time in my hands. Being in research where I am not required to show my face in the firm every single day, I really do have quite a lot of free time. But I made it clear that I do not intend to spend precious time inside Starbucks filling my system with caffeine and listening to other people’s shit. Aside from my friend’s. Or walking around the mall, occasionally entering high end stores trying on stuff I will not buy even if I can because I think they’re just not practical. Or watching movies just because it’s in theaters, or it’s big, or some people say it’s good. 

More than a decade of friendship wasn’t really enough to convince my friends that I may compromise, but I shall never let anybody tell me what to do. Or make me conform to what’s in or expected. 

And really, we can stay friends even if we don’t see each other a lot, right? We do not have to drain each other by meeting everyday talking about the same stuff. Aaargh, perhaps it’s my impatience. Or my personality being completely different from them. I just firmly believe that if something doesn’t work, then let go and move on. That you can never help what people think. That we’re all different and not everyone will think or act as we do so let’s all just practice respect. 

And that at some point, we will have to figure things out by our selves. We can’t always have someone. We need friends but we have to learn to stand on our own, make decisions and be firm on it. 

I have gone so far. This post was actually triggered by well, Spiderman 3. A friend treated us last night to watch it. It’s okay. I’m not a fan but I kept an open mind. It fell short of my expectations. Ergo, I didn’t like it. And that’s just me. Not trying to sway anyone’s opinion. Or discourage anyone from watching it. 

And this friend texted earlier asking if I wanna watch. I said, I already watched it and didn’t like it, so I have no plans of seeing it again. 

She said “Others say it’s okay naman. What’s wrong with it?” 

So I said the exact same thing I said above. She knows I am quite critical with what I see, hear or read. I know what I want; I have my own standards of what I consider to be good. 

She texted a sad emoticon L and “yabang mo naman.” 

I am like “;-) you asked for my opinion and when I gave it I’m mayabang na?” 

She texted back a real smiley and still convinced me to watch. Anyway, I’ll be in the mall later. I said I might have to meet someone. And so she went on who asked to meet me first. Hello?! 

I maybe just a really bad/difficult and taray friend. But really, we’re adults. Things like that shouldn’t be such a big deal. Ayayay.

Her hair of floating sky is shimmering, glimmering (On Julia Campbell)

i have been reading Julia Campbell’s blog lately, and looking at Flickr photos – and i found myself at times laughing, at times teary eyed, awed and amazed, happy, sad and deeply moved by her accounts of her life here in the Philippines for the past two years. Here is a beautiful, kind, passionate soul whose touched so many lives in ways not most of us Filipinos could do, especially to our own country and fellow citizens. She truly loved the Philippines, being here, serving – more than probably most of us ever can, and will.

It is really sad that we only got to know her when news of her diappearnce, and death filled the headlines. Hers is a life worth emulating, her love for what she does truly inspiring, and her patriotism, for a country she only has lived in for the past couple of years, should serve as a huge wakeup call for most of us who are just about to give up on this country.

You may read her blog here:

http://juliainthephilippines.blogspot.com/

and view the photos here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30079973@N00/

I’m just glad she left pieces of herself in cyberspace, that will serve as something for everyone to turn to, for inspiration, and maybe, even hope.

Fly and smile with the angels, Julia.