Rising Again

It’s been awhile, and it’s good to be back. The past year was rather interesting. To sum in up in one post won’t do it justice. So i think i will just randomly post about certain events, happenings and updates depending on how it relates to what i have in mind at the time i decide to type something here. I would just like to say though, that over the year, i do not know exactly what brought it, but i am going to be more careful with my words. I used to always say that all of it is about opinions and personal viewpoints, but this time, i will make sure that my opinions, my constitutional right to express myself, will not in any way violate that of any other persons. That is whether i actually like that person or not. I do not hate anybody at the moment, hate is such a poison. But there are those who credibility, sanity and intellect are somewhat questionable, and therefore offends my sensibilities. Hahaha! Man, i do not want to start dwelling on that just yet.

I would like to start this comeback (naks, parang artista lang) with a very nice piece on words, by poet and novelist Ben Okri.

“It sometimes seems to me that our days are poisoned with too many words. Words said and not meant. Words said and meant. Words divorced from feeling. Wounding words. Words that conceal. Words that reduce. Dead words.

If only words were a kind of fluid that collects in the ears, if only they turned into the visible chemical equivalent of their true value, an acid, or something curative – then we might be more careful. Words do collect in us anyway. They collect in the blood, in the soul, and either transform or poison people’s lives. Bitter or thoughtless words poured into the ears of the young have blighted many lives in advance. We all know people whose unhappy lives twist on a set of words uttered to them on a certain unforgotten day at school, in childhood, or at university.

We seem to think that words aren’t things. A bump on the head may pass away, but a cutting remark grows with the mind. But then it is possible that we know all too well the awesome power of words – which is why we use them with such deadly and accurate cruelty.

We are all wounded inside in some way or other. We all carry unhappiness within us for some reason or other. Which is why we need a little gentleness and healing from one another. Healing in words, and healing beyond words. Like gestures. Warm gestures. Like friendship, which will always be a mystery. Like a smile, which someone described as the shortest distance between two people.”

 



Serious, Shameless Plugging of, uh, Myself

I have the big bright idea for a reality TV show which I want to air on my favorite local channel (QTV 11). It’s something that will run for 30 days, involves two people and a nice little place called – a condo unit! And well, the entire metro manial and some provinces, maybe. And I already have in mind who I want to be in it – and one of them is a friend, who’s some sort of a famous person. (man, I hope she’s not reading this cos she’s gonna whip my ass) and another person who I think is just perfect for the concept I have in mind. It’s funny I would lay in bed each night thinking about this, how things will go, what I will make them do and stuff. Geez I  am dying for it to materialize! Can somebody tell me how to get in touch with anyone from QTV so I can pitch my concept? I swear I’m going to light up, brighter than a mirrorball while I pitch. Hahaha  And, I have a jazillion plots in my head – two for a feature film, and uh, 5 for a novel? Okay, so that’s really 6, not a jillion I have the outlines save din my USB. I just need the time and the drive to write them in full. Man this is one of those times when I’m just bursting with ideas I might pop. But I am really really excited about the reality TV thing. Trust me, it’s something you have never seen before. It’s some sort of an experiment. A 30 day what-if. It’s kind of a huge mix of all other TV shows (reality or otherwise) smoothly folded and blended into a docu-movie like thingy that is..dun dun duuunn…my concept! So, can anybody hok me up with QTV peeps?

because less is more ;-)

There comes a point when complaining and bitching and just plainly whining about things that are going on, or people that pisses you off, gets exhausting. I guess over the past few weeks I am slowly reaching that point and you know what? It’s actually been doing me good. It’s not that there is anything wrong about voicing out opinions cos after all, it is everyone’s constitutional right. But when one gets slowly consumed by it and it becomes a compulsion that’s when one’s got to stop and look oneself in the mirror and ask “what the fuck am I doing?” 

I have bitched, complained, whined about things and people so many times in the past and reading them now gives me this intolerable feeling of exhaustion after each paragraph. I am one annoying biatch. And unconsciously I have become the very person or thing I have complained about. 

Maybe it’s the rainy season that’s making me reflect and come to this epiphany. Nevertheless, as I have said earlier it has been doing me good. Like the promised effects of a beauty product I have always wanted to try. I can see the results each time I wake up.  

I am not about to become as optimistic and unrealistically perky as a cheerleader on crack but at least now, I know better than to succumb to unnecessary emotions that will have me venting to the nearest available person about how much this or that thing sucks, or how and why this or that person annoys the hell out of me. It should not be too difficult to get rid of such unnecessary reactions. After all, there are a lot of things I can do with all the time and energy I used to expend on all that bitching. 

Oh yeah the rainy season, officially manifesting itself more than the scorching heat of summer is turning me into a bitch, but for better reasons. Yes, there is such a thing, or person. Hee, whatever. But I am loving it. Really.

I Just “Shot” Someone

Last night while walking home from the palengke, my neighbor Bing, who was wearing rubber flip flops, seared her the skin of her sole with a dirty tack. She is an OR nurse, who is naturally, very familiar with what even the smallest cut or wound can possibly do to anybody, so she was very paranoid about getting lockjaw due to tetanus, or something like that. Usually i would just accompany her to the wet market, help out with preparing our dinner (because i have the lowest self esteem when it comes to cooking). Last night we were supposed to have curried mixed seafood (that’s shrimp, squid, mussels plus carrots and potatoes) but because she was so worried about being infected, she immediately conferred with her colleagues on the phone and deliberated what they should do. She left all the ingredients at the table, at my mercy, staring at it not knowing what to do. Well, i do know what to do but i am afraid it will not turn out right. So, just to help, i cleaned the squid, mussels and shrimp. Sliced the squid and shelled the shrimp while i boil the mussels. Then cut the veggies and prepared the spices.

After boiling the mussels i took them out of their shell and put them along side the sliced quid and shelled shrimp. I waited for my friend who is running to and from her bedroom to the living room, while on the phone. The rice is already cooked and i am getting hungrier by the minute. LOL When she finally noticed that everything was already prepared and i am looking at them uncertainly, she apologized and hugged me, and explained what was going on.

She needed to get a temporary shot of tetanus toxoid, a live virus thingy that will be injected on her fore arm. She will get said substance from the nearby Mercury drug. But before that, we should cook first. And cooked we, or she did. I was silently saying prayers of thanks to the angels. Whew!

But after dinner and after getting the substance (which came with an ice cube), syringes and needles came the shocker. I should give her the shot. She can do it but she would be on a most comfortable position and she might hit the wrong nerve. I was mortified. I rarely look at the part of my body that receives the shot – i always look the other way. I can tolerate the pain but i cant look at it. And now she’s asking me to give her the shot – as in be the one to inject the somewhat thick substance, which i know will hurt a lot!

I told her, while vigorously shaking my head that i so cannot do it. “then who will?” she asked me. I said I’ll ask my house mates. I went to my place next door but nobody wants to do it. Bing was egging me come on. “you can do it. I will guide you through it” i keep shaking my head, my eyes widening in horror. She sat down and showed me that i just have to hold up her forearm a certain way, then the syringe this way, then hit this particular spot and just do it.

“Ayoko talaga!” i protested. She insisted i can. I said i won’t be able to see it cos i have poor eyesight. She pointed out that I’m still wearing my contacts. I shook my head.

She went to get a glass of water. Then made me drink it. Then brought me to the sink and washed my hands. “you’re not even shaking, you’re fine. You can do it!” she said. Aaarrgh i am beginning to panic. I guess she saw the panic in my eyes so she told me to take deep breathes. “this is funny, i am the one who’s about to get the shot. You wimp.” i just pursed my lips.

Then she told me about how we sort of rescued/helped this couple in a motorcycle who had a minor accident last week. We were walking from the LRT station to the neighborhood where we’re both renting apartments. Then we saw this motorbike swerve perilously to one side and eventually collapsed, cos they were trying to stick to the designated lane when this stupid car whizzed by on a really nasty overtake. The couple, probably both in their early 30s, looked to have broken something, despite them wearing helmets. They’re both lying on the ground and struggling to get up, as their legs were under their bike. She immediate rushed to the couple and told them to stay still. Thankfully they’re both responding to her. She asked me to attend to the woman, as she will instruct me what to check. Well, i do remember my girl scout first aid. LOL. Once we checked for vital signs and made sure there wasn’t any sign of trauma, we helped them get up to a sitting position. Then we pulled their bike up from their leg. And then helped them stand up. We asked them if they want to be taken to the hospital, we can hail a cab. They both couldn’t say thank you enough, and even got our names. We said it’s okay.

After telling me this i guess i felt myself calming down, and coming around a bit. But i couldn’t help but voice out my concern. What if i get it wrong? She said that’s not possible. She checked my breathing, my vital signs LOL and when she decided I’m okay to administer the shot, she quickly got on her feet and prepared it. After a few minutes, she handed me the syringe, then she said on the dining table so it’s easier for me. She told me to squeeze a part of her fore arm, and hold it up. Firmly. Then told em to position my fingers on the syringe. Hold it, point the needle against the spot which she pointed to me earlier. Then just inject it. Push, then pull.

Ohmygod, ohmygod, after i withdrew the empty syringe i began to shake. Did i get it right? Aaarrgh. My friend was obviously in pain, as expected. But after a minute she patted the area where she substance was injected. “okay na.” she told me, with a thumbs up sign. “and you did great!” then seeing i might pass out anytime, she hugged me. “praning, tapos na. I told you you can do it!”

it was the biggest sigh of relief I’ve ever heaved in ages. And another fear i was able to conquer.

what the people, and this country needs…

 “… a leadership that concieves of public office as a trust, not a privilege: as a duty, not as power: as a responsibility, not authority: and as an instrument of service to the people, not for self-aggrandizement.”

 

from the late Pangasinan Governor Aguedo F. Agbayani (inaugural speech 1971)

Jeopardy is jejune now…

Ennui [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; Fr. ahn-nwee] as defined in the dictionary is a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.

So i am pretty much content with how my career is going – i am not earning millions of bucks to afford grand vacations or shopping sprees, but my days are filled with enough challenges to keep me going and a good mix of interesting people to keep me sane, in a relatively flexible, balanced environment – so how come i still find myself feeling bored? I used to just listen to music and let myself relax, allow my thoughts to wander somewhere, or read to get that feeling of being into faraway places without leaving my room, or talk to friends and either gab or bitch about stuff, or just work out, or walk… but sometimes even those, uh,m bores me. Or i am just not in the mood to do those. Excuses, excuses… but really, i know i am content, and fulfilled, and generally happy, but how come i am bored?

There are several things to look forward to, but while i wait, i wait with an inexplicable feeling of weariness. I remember something texted by a friend weeks ago about losing focus, how she knows she should just write but she’s at a loss for words, despite being emotional lately. I told her emotions alone can’t make her write. She then said maybe she needs a new challenge, to which i sort of agreed and suggested a few things. Do something you haven’t done before, and alone. It doesn’t matter how strange that thing is. Maybe something will come out of it.

And then she will regain focus.

I guess it is the same with boredom. I just do what i have to do each day, and pretty much do the same things to deal with the occasional ennui. I want to do something new, be somewhere i haven’t been to before – well, being somewhere different from what i usually frequent or see an old face, or a new face. Whatever, just, a change. I started by getting a new haircut. I have had long hair for the past five years and now it’s just barely touching my neck. A messy fringe-y, jap-punk sort. Very wash and wear. I also bought new flipflops, and i forgot about minding the price, it is slightly expensive. I have tons of ideas in my head that i am dying to write down, concepts that I’m excited to see materialize. I am meeting faces i haven’t seen in awhile starting next week. Just to get me off this hole. Ennui is bad for the soul.

Ennui

Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.

The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.

- Sylvia Plath

Her hair of floating sky is shimmering, glimmering (On Julia Campbell)

i have been reading Julia Campbell’s blog lately, and looking at Flickr photos – and i found myself at times laughing, at times teary eyed, awed and amazed, happy, sad and deeply moved by her accounts of her life here in the Philippines for the past two years. Here is a beautiful, kind, passionate soul whose touched so many lives in ways not most of us Filipinos could do, especially to our own country and fellow citizens. She truly loved the Philippines, being here, serving – more than probably most of us ever can, and will.

It is really sad that we only got to know her when news of her diappearnce, and death filled the headlines. Hers is a life worth emulating, her love for what she does truly inspiring, and her patriotism, for a country she only has lived in for the past couple of years, should serve as a huge wakeup call for most of us who are just about to give up on this country.

You may read her blog here:

http://juliainthephilippines.blogspot.com/

and view the photos here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30079973@N00/

I’m just glad she left pieces of herself in cyberspace, that will serve as something for everyone to turn to, for inspiration, and maybe, even hope.

Fly and smile with the angels, Julia.